segunda-feira, 16 de julho de 2012

Desaparafusada

Chéri,
mon appétit
de toi
cresce cada vez mais

Parece que você
tirou de mim todas as minhas papilas
gustativas
e guardou tudo só pra você
egoistamente
de forma que eu
maintenant
fiquei desprovida de tal importante sentido
cadê meu paladar, seu doido?
já nem sinto mais os gostos alheios

Além disso,
você passou batido,
mas acho que levou
contigo,
além de tais papilas que me fazem uma falta tamanha,
talvez na nécessaire junto com sua pasta e escova de dente
do lado direito da mala
bem esmagadinha
alguns vários parafusos meus
me diz, e o que eu faço agora?
agora ta tudo solto e perdido por aqui!

Você ri quando eu te digo isso,
quando reclamo do estrago que fez em mim,
mas só pode ser, chéri!
o que mais explicaria?
se eu não to doidinha, eu to o que?

Você não fica pra trás na loucura
e sabe que bem foi isso que me atraiu
em toi..
ah, e o seu francês e italiano falados tão bonitos, claro
que foram responsáveis pelo meu derreter
por inteira

Esparramada, te observava
guardando em minha mente
o quão inacreditável você parecia

E eu nem gosto de cigarros
eu chego a detestá-los
inclusive, vivo implicando
com todas as pessoas queridas por mim
que cultivam tal hábito,
sou uma chata pedindo para que todos abandonem o vício

E lá tenho os meus motivos pra isso
como já te disse, por sinal,
mas os seus combinavam tanto contigo
e até gostei do sabor deles em sua língua
- antes de você levar de mim as minhas papilas gustativas, claro -
e o cheiro deles nem chegou a me incomodar
é que vocês mesclam bem
sabor, cheiro e corpo
e nós, melhor ainda

Outro dia,
você,
charmant,
depois de ter confessado
o seu ato criminoso
entre risos,
como se isso fosse alguma espécie de brincadeira,
me perguntou se eu queria
que devolvesse
os meus faltantes parafusos
que agora estão por aí
na sua mesinha de cabeceira
do lado do seu relógio
entre o cinzeiro
a taça com um restinho de vinho de
ontem à noite
e o pacote de camisinha

Eu só ri
e fiquei pensando na resposta
porque,
ao contrário do que parece,
ela não é tão simples assim

Será que eu quero?

Por um lado,
devo estar dando uma de maluca agora
me entregando assim
você pedindo apenas a minha mão
e a beijando
e eu entregando logo tudo:
os braços apressados
o pescoço torcido
a boca salivando
as pernas entrelaçadas
o abdômen
as coxas
e todo o resto

Por outro,
que chato estar toda aparafusada!
perco a mobilidade,
uma vez que a previsibilidade
- essa chata -
toma conta de mim
se instalando por inteira

Mal posso me mexer,
os parafusos não me dão espaço!
não permitem uma abordagem diferente,
um abraço um pouco mais requintado
ou uma curtição fora dos padrões

Os parafusos me prendem a uma espécie de cardápio
como se eu tivesse apenas algumas opções
tanto para servir quanto para ser servida

E o meu restaurante
repleto deles
não cozinha nada que esteja fora do cardápio
e com muita dificuldade, por sinal,
se consegue trocar o arroz branco
por um arroz de brócolis

É porque vem tudo bem planejado, contadinho, sabe?
as compras, os garçons, as reservas, as bebidas
e tudo mais
são todos calculados

Não é assim como os clientes pensam que é
uma troca simples
é bem mais complicado do que parece, entende?


Mas...
sem os benditos parafusos,
sou outra
e meu restaurante não tem regras
nem a minha casa
nem as minhas roupas
nem a minha pele
nem a minha fala
e muito menos
as minhas coxas
boca
dentes
e vontades

Sem estar regrada,
funciono como bicho
apenas sigo os meus instintos,
meus desejos

Mais do que seguí-los,
neles me transformo
e faço o que eu tiver afim e pronto

Afinal, acho que dispenso os parafusos
você nem saberia colocá-los de volta, saberia?
pelo menos não sem machucar-me
como você pensa em devolvê-los a mim?
pensa em martelá-los?
isso é loucura!
pois que não os roubassem então!
imagina se eu aceitaria que você martelasse
meia dúzia de parafusos em mim...
não estou desaparafusada e louca o suficiente para permitir tal contra-senso!

E você sabe bem que só não os aceito de volta
exclusivamente porque
o processo de devolução seria deveras doloroso, não sabe?
não tem nada a ver com a mobilidade que você me mostrou que eu tinha, espero que esteja consciente disso
muito pelo contrário,
sou muito certinha e prezo muito pelas regras,
apesar de um bocado irônica

Pois que pensasse antes
de, enquanto eu dormia,
me desregular toda
agindo com tal dolo
e ainda por cima
me acordar balançando-me
como um louco!
chacoalhando minha cabeça toda
como quem quisesse realmente
garantir tamanho estrago

Depois me beijastes com todo o fogo que tens
dentro de ti
e me deixastes na cama
com o cabelo bagunçado
semi-nua
vestindo apenas aquele sutiã preto
rendado
e uma blusa social tua toda desabotoada
porque a calcinha você já tinha tratado de tirar
mais cedo
enquanto eu dormia
pra me despertar daquele jeito

E me deixastes assim
clamando por mais
mais de ti e mais de nós
toda desamparada
e desaparafusada
onde já se viu isso?
que desplante!

E fostes!
simples assim
me deixou chupando o dedo
toda doida
doida toda
esperando por toi,
le charmant

10 comentários:

  1. An amazing poem... I told you that last night. When I read it really touched me, moved me, blew my mind.. I re-read it this morning, to see if could spot the changes (they were mainly style, weren´t they? by the way there is a maintenant still not in italics :-), when I re-read it, it still had the same powerful effect on me. This has been the best thing you have written in ages.. it is hard to say why I liked it so much - maybe because it brings together the things I like best in your poems, the confessional nature (though I know this is more of a fantasy), writing what you feel and about your feelings, your Portuguese, your style.. But this poem is more than this. It is a sexy poem (in a good way, a powerful way), you convey your feelings, wants, desires, powerfully, attractively, but not in a 'cheap' way, you know what I mean. But in addition, I really like the idea of the parafusos and being desparafusada.. Actually, here I don´t think the poem is fantasy. In part it sounds like you are talking about things that are really on your mind, and are important to you. Stay desparafusada.. it is a harder path (I know) but it is better :-)
    There is so much more I could say - I could probably write pages on this poem, publish an article, ha ha haha :-) But for now I will stop. Just once again, it is amazing. Your talent for poetry is so strong, follow it..
    :-)

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  2. Finally I am managing to write a comment on the revised version.. its been hectic tonight. Valentina fell asleep late and we are going to parati tomorrow so we are packing.. I hate packing...
    Your poem. I loved it. You, as I told you, have made an amazing poem even greater, even better. There are so many things about this poem - and the revised version - that I am not sure where to start. I understand what you said earlier, but I really don´t think you exaggerated. You are being more brave, maybe even more daring, but not exaggerated! The poem is now more sexy, or erotic, but it is not pornographic or anything.. it is a fantasy, but it is not sordid or ultra-explicit or anything. In fact, I think it is rather sweet... though I have to admit reading it, especially that part I asked you about, certain ideas and questions came to my mind. But more importantly than that, it is brilliant poetry, mixing fantasy and serious questions about yourself, about you life - and I think about you and relationships. You are not someone to be parafusado!!!
    It is funny, but I think this poem is very much a pair, a part 2, to the first poem of yours I read (Bom Dia). Obviously in this one, you deal with much more, but there are similarities... and differences, interesting differences (they are from different times in the life of the artist ha hahah... I am in the middle of translating art history, I have to be careful not to sound like an art historian ha ha ha).
    Another thought that occured to me, something that I am not sure how to express, is that you write well about sex, rarely explicitly, always sweetly and gently, but at the same time it grabs the readers attention, makes them think. You are very honest about this and open, which as I have told you is very brave. However, I think in this world - and maybe more so in Zona Sul Carioca, things are different from men and women, what they can say, express, think... You are breaking away from a pattern, forging a new female poetry maybe...:-) As far as I recollect the work of P.C. was a bit like that (but I am not too sure, I meant to buy a copy for myself, but never found it!!). I will say more on this another day, maybe in an email.
    Be very proud of yourself for this poem (and your poetry in general - and for reading all of my too long comment) :-)

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  3. I re-read this again now, and it made me feel like telling you again how much I liked it!!! :-) Hopefully you will find them time to write something new soon. Estou com saudades da sua poesia :-) I just hope you are not as up to your eyes as me... :-(

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  4. I am going to nominate you... :-)
    http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2012/aug/02/attys-poetry-prize-margaret-atwood
    This is a threat ha hahaha! It is probably just for English poetry, but I will translate it and submit it ha haha! Bad me! OK, I wouldn´t... cause I would have too much trouble choosing ONE poem!! I think you would stand a very good chance of winning (and in case you don´t read the link, it is for a digital poetry prize, so it has your name written on it..). :-)
    Saudades (de ti e de sua poesia tambem..) Is that correct? I´m too stressed tonight to think in Portuguese properly. Had a bad day (amongst other things, I discovered my debit card was cloned and someone has been helping themselves to my money.. I´ll tell you more another time!!!

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  5. I am having a complicated (in a bad way) day, so I am re-reading your poems, trying to cheer myself up - there are days when thing after thing goes wrong, or turns into a complicated situation, when even close friends seem far away.. sounds like I am writing a sad poem here ha ha ha.. You know what I mean. Your poetry helps drive away this darkness. I must some day print out your poems, maybe even make a little book, so it would be easier to read :-)
    More seriously, I re-read your poetry a lot, and it always seems fresh and different, offering new insights.. However, there are a few poems of yours (my favourites) which really, really touch me. This is one. I hope you write others like it (and soon!!!)
    Keep writing, keep nurturing that talent!!

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  6. It´s been so long since I left a comment...I have been meaning to, but this months is complicated, I am killing myself with work. After what you told me tonight, I have to say parabens!! I know you have many, many new fans (I just hope they dont read the comments, I am shy about these things..). You deserve this success.. you have many gifts (and we talked about some of these today, you ability to be by yourself, to follow different roads, etc.. and of course your poetry. Until know it haas been something you have written for you - written cause you have to, to survive, to make sense of this complicated and crazy world, and I know I have helped you in this (which makes me happy) - but I think soemhting is changing, and slowly over the next couple of years, you are going to become known as a poet whether you want to or not)... I hope you do - though in your own time, cause you know what I think of your talent!!!
    Just before closing, this poem really has had an impact on me, I keep re-reading it, and I just love it.. I am writing a response to it. Soon I will show you!!!
    Keep writing!!!

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  7. I haven´t left you any comments for so long (in part cause the internet has been a little difficult here, on the very, very edge of Europe - if I jumped in the sea I could swim straight to Brazil without touching land.. it would be a long swin, about 5,000 km, ha ahhaha but I am really on the edge of Europe! I am also busy, mainly with Val, and then with the big translation I am really not getting done ha haha) I am missing both writing comments, and reading new poems. I know you are probably way too busy now (or is everything almost ready??) Hopefully when you reach France you will have time to write lots and lots. I hope so, it is an amazing talent you have (as I have told you many times), but I know it is also something essential for you, it is your therapy, or better/worse, your oxygen, it is part of you! And it makes me so happy and proud to be a little part of your poetry! :-)
    Talk soon, saudades

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  8. I just wrote you a long and crazy comment, but blogger ate it... :-( Let me see if I can rewrite it...
    I know I have probably written too many comments on this poem, but tonight I feel like writing once again. Sorry!!! :) I hope it isnt too personal ha haha
    Today was complicated, life can attack you sometimes, wear you out... I got over it. But today is St Patrick´s day. I would love to be able to celebrate it, but I can´t. And I hoped to hear from my family, I thought they might send me messages... but they didnt. Instead of moping and letting the loneliness in, I decided to fight against it and re-read some of your poems. I did (and left another comment). But when I got to this one, something magical happened. I have read it hundreds of times, but tonight, it seemed to touch me in another way. It seemed written for me - and that is am amazing talent you have, what you write is universal). So I read it again, and it realy struck me how honest, amazing, sexy, crazy (in a good way), erotic, brave and open it was. It just blew me away - and not for the first time. It also made me feel less lonely/homesick... Maybe I am crazy, but your poetry is a special connection between us. I feel privileged to read it - and to see inside your heart, your mind, your soul! Really privileged. Thank you for that, and for all the good things your poetry has done for me!!!
    I could probably write lots more,but I should end!!!
    Happy St.Patrick´s Day to you! (And maybe tomorrow my facebook will be full of St patrick´s wishes for me ha hahahah)
    Keep writing, my friend, keep writing

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  9. whenever I open your blog,it comes to this poem :-) it´s a good choice ha hahaha I miss your poetry, it is special (as I have told you many, many times). It is your way of fighting your ghosts, of purging yourself, but it is universal as well. Keep writing my friend, keep writing, I miss your poems

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  10. For days (or maybe weeks) I have been wanting to write something. You have been travelling (and that stupid problem of office doesn't help), but hopefully sometime soon you'll write a new poem. In the meantime, I have this desperate need to leave you a comment (are your poems, your blog, my addiction? Maybe so, and as addictions go, I reckon it is a good one, ha ha ha..
    There is something that draws me back to this poem. I have left too many comments already and read it lots of times, but if I am addicted to your poetry, this, and two or three others (or four or five) and the core of my addiction. I love the honesty in your poetry, the vulnerability, the openness, the passion, desire, and the intelligence, the sexuality, the freeness. You have an ability (as I have told you many times) to make your own feelings universal, all the while you are fighting your own battles, your own demons, your own pain. Reading your poems, especially the confessional ones, I feel so close to you, I can see inside your mind (or at least the way you describe it), but at the same time I always find parallels with my own life, there are always lines which touch me, which especially sum up things in my life... Sometimes these feelings have nothing to do with what you originally wrote, but with the magic of the poem, which can somehow take its own life. Tonight this poem made me think of many things, mostly good (to do with desire, love, making love, being with someone who wants to be with you), but it also - and don't ask me how - reminded me of something bad that happened to me recently, I am almost over it (there is a poem on the way, when I have time)... sometime soon I will explain (I keep threatening, one day I will hahah)
    In the meantime, my dear friend, immortal poet to be, keep writing, keep believing in your talent and gifts, no mater what!!

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